Dilemma-ethical-uh?

If you google the word dilemma it comes up with the following definition:

"A situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones."

Then goes on to give synonyms like quandary, predicament and vicious circle. 

*Sigh*

Well, wonders never cease in my world and for the sake of my sanity I hope my five whole readers understand what I am about to spill.

Everyone has someone in their family that does not sit right with them (I'm trying to be ambiguous here for a reason). I am no different. I have no real family anymore. Since my father died almost two months ago, I have NO family anymore. Sure, I have a sibling, who is a complete and utter moron. This person is a run away from responsibility, self-centered individual who I have tried to help throughout the years. The other person is a selfish, self-centered, manipulative, gas bag who thinks the world revolves around them and goes out the their way to get what they want at any expense. After avoiding these two gems for over 10 years, I had finally reach out when my father passed. 

His death has been a low point in my emotional life. 

Now, let me preface this story with the fact that I did not walk away from these two for fun or without great personal, financial and emotional expense to myself. I walked away from these two to preserve my sanity, and not turn to the dark side of my witchy nature. I needed positive people in my life not poisonous individuals that claimed to love me but really didn't. They just needed someone to be there when they needed it, when it suited their needs, to give them what they wanted without any thought to me. Now, I know lots of people think I should have walked away a lot sooner than 10+ years ago but it's hard when it's family and especially hard when you have hope that the sibling you practically raised would change. 

*sigh, again*

I consider myself to be a strong person but death has a way of knocking you down and throwing emotions and feelings in your direction you were not prepared for. When my father died, I thought about all the things I never got to say to my dad. I thought about the things he never got to say to me that he may have wanted me to hear. And in those moments of grief and weakness, I made a terrible mistake and called the two most worthless people on this earth, to tell them about my father. Crying and raw with pain, I asked them to attend his funeral as most of our family is in Texas and was unable to make it. They both agreed. I didn't give it another thought and was delusional enough to think that things would be okay. But they weren't. Of course the irony in all of this, is that this whole thing was my fault. 

I'm the one who called them. I'm the one who invited them. I should have known better. I should've locked my phone away until I was in my right mind. They were only being true to their loser-like nature. So, on the day of my father's funeral, I received no phone call, no text, no nothing to tell me that they were not going to make it. The funeral proceeded as planned and after the service, I got a text from my sibling stating they weren't going to make the funeral because they didn't have enough gas. 

Yeah, you'd think they could have possibly told me earlier?! I can't describe the anger and the sheer disappointment I felt in the moment I got that stupid text. They didn't have gas. This isn't like standing someone up on date. No. It's death, assholes. You only get one shot at this. They knew my dad. My father loved my sibling like they were his and they didn't have enough gas. 

Now, almost two months later, comes the dilemma.

I have blocked those two idiots from my phone because I don't want to talk to either of them ever again. However, I get a phone call regarding Moron #1 (hint: not my sibling). It seems there is an adoption of two unfortunate children in the works and this person put me down as a reference of character. (sigh and roll of the eyes) Yeah. Me. Really? I audacity of it. The social worker called and asked me a lot of questions and I answered truthfully. Well, as truthfully as I could while still being reserved in my true feelings. You see, the two unfortunate children are also family., They used to belong to my sibling but this person is so irresponsible and pathetic that the children are really better off with Moron #1. Which in itself is sad. I did my best to express that these children would do "okay" with Moron #1 which is a better alternative to my sibling. Social workers aren't stupid and she picked up right away that I was hesitant with the interview and asked me if there was anything with my relationship with Moron #1 that would be an issue for the children. 

Every fiber of my being wanted to scream out "YES! Moron is evil. Moron is manipulative and selfish and self-centered and self absorbed and downright horrible!!!!!" But I didn't. You see, Moron #1 needs to atone for their past actions and behaviors which honestly landed them in this scenario to begin with and these children need something. It's better to go with the devil you know then one you don't. I reluctantly gave my blessings and hung up. The whole conversation took all of five minutes but left me with a sick and angry feeling. Hence, this blog.   

Ugh, these past few days have felt like someone is picking at the scabs of my emotional recovery and peeling away any protective covering I had. 

So, boys and girls, the moral of this story is, if you think your life sucks, read about mine and feel better. 

Yay, it's hump day or day three of this week's hostage situation.

Damn, I need a drink.