Don't you wish your life had a re-do button sometimes? I know I do. I'd redo a lot of things. For instance, I'd re-do the day I thought I wanted to cut my hair short or when I thought it would be fun to go out with friends and get stinking drunk. I think everyone would like to re-do a day like that. I'd re-do the day I found out my father had brain cancer. I would actually re-do that day and the next 19 days because that's how long he lasted after he found out.
I keep getting these grief calls from my father's Hospice and their support staff. How am I supposed to move forward if they keep calling to remind me he recently died. Not that I don't already know that but I don't need it pointed out. *sigh* I'm not mad, really, just annoyed. My father lived with me. His room is now my exercise room. I did that so it wouldn't be empty but I couldn't think about leaving it a bedroom either. It was too sad. So I changed it's purpose and threw in a treadmill and a stationary bike. I painted it a whole different color and put in a large mirror like the one at the gym. I've done everything to re-do the room to make it different, to make it not sad anymore. I know my father would approve.
My father always told me to move on after death and not dwell on it. The dead don't care and they are not there to help the grief process. I understood that when he was alive. It didn't really bother me when he said it, however, that changed when he died. I felt it was self-centered. How can a person not dwell on death when it touches their life? Family is especially hard. I've tried to follow what my father wanted. I changed his room, moved his things to the basement and created a photo gallery of him to remember him when he was alive and happy.
But changing the color of a room or putting in a treadmill doesn't change how it feels when I step through the door. I still remember that was my father's room. I see him sitting on the bed watching television. This will take time. This will take understanding and this will take me breaking my promise to my father that I would not dwell on his death. This hits home a little hard with Father's Day around the corner.
So, sorry Dad. I'm gonna dwell and I'm going to feel sad and I'm going to miss you. Since you are dead, there's nothing you can do to stop me.
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